The hurt of our terrible birthing experience in Puerto Rico left me so damaged. Damaged to the point that I could no longer be there. Lucky for us, Mike's work caught wind that I would be moving back to the states and did not want that to happen. They offered us an opportunity to move back, but told us they would have to find a replacement for him in PR. That was in October, we are still waiting.
In the meantime, I moved to Marco Island, Fl and found a wonderful doctor. We jetted off to a two week vacation in Maui over Christmas.We were hoping a little "aloha" would lift our spirits. The day before we left, I was told by my new doctor that we could start trying. We figured why not, it took 4 months to conceive John Michael so we figured maybe in a few months. We enjoyed our vacation as much as we could and got back to PR just in time for the New Year with friends.
On New Years Day, I was missing John Michael so much! I could not believe that a new year was starting without him. I then realized my period would start in a couple days. I went to the store to buy some water and figured I would pick up a couple pregnancy tests. You know, the ones you can take 6 days early?! I went home not telling Mike that I was going to take a test. I sat, peed and waited...
Holy Crap! There are TWO lines, one was so faint! I went in to tell Mike. He needed to look in the light to even see the two lines. After, all I could do was say, "I really want to hold this baby" I knew the lines were faint, but two lines still meant two lines. I have to say, I was a little nervous about Mike's reaction. I just seemed way more excited. I decided I would take another test the next morning like you are supposed to. I woke up really early on 1.2.11 to pee. I looked after about a minute, I only saw one line. I was crushed. I now realized, why Mike seemed so hesitant. I put both sticks on the nightstand and went back to bed. About a hour later, I woke up and turned on the light. I looked at the sticks next to me and realized that BOTH had TWO lines. I thought I was going crazy...
For the next two days, I continued to take tests. All the lines were darker. Wow! We really are pregnant! Trying to be hopeful in a time of such deep grief seemed impossible. After it was confirmed by my doctor in Fl, I figured a miscarriage would happen soon. How could my body deal with a pregnancy so close to John Michael's birth. It had only been weeks that I actually felt normal after my c-section and I only had two normal periods.
14 weeks later and a healthy first trimester, I am still shocked that we are expecting John Michael's baby brother or sister. I miss him so very much and will never wish to fill his void with another baby. I have so much comfort knowing that this baby has his/her brother as their personal angel. Every day my heart aches for our son, but now I wonderful reason to take extra care of myself during this very sensitive time.
Our expected due date is 9.10.11 (just 19 days shy of JMB's 1st birthday in heaven) Most likely, I will deliver early due to a scheduled c-section. I can't wait to hold a screaming baby with our angel looking down. :)
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