John Michael's Story

Our story begins with this little boy. Our life began and ended when he came into this world.

I never thought that I would be able to describe any of my children's lives in a couple paragraphs, after all, I always envisioned they would have a full and happy life. Our son did, but it was one that only lasted 9 months in my womb.

We found out we were pregnant Feb. 15th 2010. One of the greatest moments of my life was when I got to tell Michael, "We're pregnant!" Our life quickly changed as we made a big move to Puerto Rico from Huntington Beach, Ca. The only thing we knew for certain was that we were starting a family. Life was simply blissful!

My pregnancy was too! We spent our days under the Caribbean sun, paddle-boarding, going on beach walks, meeting new friends and hanging out by our pool. I was fortunate enough to only fill my hours in the day by "being pregnant". I thought I was a natural! Nothing ever seemed so right. After years of college and trying to find myself, I realized all I wanted to be was a mommy and wife.

One day, one doctor's appointment changed our life forever. Michael was away on a short business trip while I went in for my weekly exam. A week before, our doctor said, he would make his arrival any day. He also told us that his cord was close to his neck, but not to be concerned. That was my first mistake as a mommy, one that I will always remember.

Since Mike was away, my wonderful friend , Jodi came with me to my appointment. I noticed that Baby B, as we called him wasn't moving as much, but I assumed it was because "lack of room". I then heard the words that no mother ever wants to hear, "there is no heartbeat". I went into moments of complete shock. I "woke" up realizing what was happening when I was in the hospital surrounded by friends. My world stopped. I wondered how I was going to get through the night. Michael could not get to me until the next afternoon.

On September 29th at 5:00am I was induced labor. Around 12:00 I saw Michael enter the room. I have never felt closer to him as I did lying in that hospital bed, crying over our sweet son. After a day of labor that failed, a c-section was recommended. I could not stop thinking, how this was not my plan. Where did I go wrong? Where did I fail of the only responsibility I had?

I remember laying on the cold table after my epidural, I starred at the lights only wishing that these were the lights of heaven taking me instead of him. Mike was with me the entire time in a matter of moments my body felt robbed and empty. John Michael Brennan was born sleeping that night. He weighed 6lbs 7oz. and was 20in. long. He was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen and he was a spitting image of the man I love most in the world.

Sadly, my reactions to the sedatives also robbed me of time to spend with John Michael. I only woke up the next morning with a broken heart and a part of me that will remain missing forever.